Years ago, I learned an important lesson because of something I said — and, more importantly, the impression it made on others. I had dashed off an email about some program or project or initiative — I don't remember what — and I received a response that floored me. Some of my colleagues were really taken aback by what I had written. I was flabbergasted.
In case you have not met me in person, I should explain that I am a very positive person — hail-fellow-well-met, sunshine and roses, whatever you want to call it. Maybe it's my personality, maybe it's all the exercise; for whatever reason, I am an optimist, and people know it. In that email I dashed off, though, I had carelessly used the word hate. Now, to be clear, I did not say that I hated a person or a department or even a company. I was simply expressing my thought about some abstract phenomenon or situation — hypocrisy, pretension, something like that. It seemed innocuous enough to me, since I was not referring to a person or even something a particular person had done. Still, my colleagues weren't used to hearing or seeing me use the word hate. It wasn't like me.
The lesson I took from that incident is that people count on me for positivity. There isn't enough of that positivity in the world, after all, and all of us encounter "dark patches" (to use a phrase from Walt Whitman's magnificent poem "Crossing Brooklyn Ferry"). My colleagues needed me to be shining light, not throwing shade, even if the target was just a phenomenon or an idea.
Here's where you come in: the world needs more light than I can shine, even on my sunniest days. If we all strive to use positive language instead of negative language, I think we can not only lift spirits, but also guide conversations and actions to be constructive rather than destructive.
Let's take a look at a few examples. You may have heard the expression "Start with yes." This approach goes beyond language and includes an attitude of creativity. A person who starts with yes tries to imagine a way to accept a suggestion and act on it rather than immediately shooting it down for some reason or another. Just the word yes can be helpful, though, even if you don't say it out loud. Practice saying it in your head when you hear ideas, even if you feel yourself inclined to say no and reject them. The word yes just might force you to give the idea a chance in your head. Ultimately, you may decide to do this thing or not to do it or to do it, but to do it a little differently, but use yes in your head to ensure you are giving it the consideration it deserves before you make a final decision.
Try, too, to phrase things positively instead of negatively. For example, I try to say "Remember to . . ." instead of "Don't forget to . . ." It may seem like a minor thing, but Don't is negative. Do you like to be told not to do something?
Now, remember that I used to teach English, so I wrote a lot of comments on student papers. Of course, offering feedback does involve calling out things that are not working well, but even here it's possible — and advisable, I think — to be positive and constructive. Compare these two comments:
Don't include extraneous details.
You will want to focus on details that support your thesis.
I picked up the opening part of that second sentence from a comment that a professor wrote on one of my papers almost 40 years ago, when I was in college. It has stuck with me all these years. "You will want to" sounds a little unnatural — who would say this kind of thing in a conversation? — but I like it because it frames criticism as something that the receivers can use to advance their own interests. It says, "This comment is not about me and my preferences; it's designed to help you achieve your own goals."
When you start paying attention to your language, noting what sounds positive and pleasant versus what comes across as negative and noisome, you may be surprised how much of the latter is baked into our language. Killing time, bombing an exam, and choking in a sport, for example, are all pretty violent ways to talk about things that are not violent at all. (For other examples, check out George Carlin's hilarious routine on the differences between baseball and football.)
Accentuating the positive and eliminating the negative in our language (to paraphrase a famous song) can make you spread a little sunshine while also creating positive change. Now that's what I call hatching two birds with one egg.
Timely comments! Beautifully expressed!